The Great Squirrel Caper

Here’s the story, written by Steve, of our family’s encounter with a SQUIRREL!!

The theory at this point is that the squirrel was in the garage, or perhaps followed me into the garage when I got home from work. As I had my hands full of stuff, I neglected to close the door between the house and the garage until after I had put down my gear. I am thinking that the squirrel followed me in. The kids were still at daycare but I was stopping home to swap car seats.

I left shortly afterwards, having retrieved the car seat, and went to daycare and got the kids. Came home. Came in through the garage, Elliott went to the front door to put his shoes in the closet, I went to the kitchen to take Rosemary out of the car seat. Take her out, walk to the play area, put her down on the rug. When I stand up I notice wood chips all along the floor by the patio door. What the…?? Something has eaten the door! I mean…the entire length of the wooden frame is trashed! Immediately I picture an invasion by rabid wombats or belligerent badgers.

I walk over to investigate and out of the corner of my eye I spot the culprit, the aforementioned squirrel. Yes, your typical American Gray Squirrel. He looks at me, I look at him, and we seem to reach an agreement. “You leave me alone and I’ll stay right here” he seemed to be saying. Fair enough.

I grab Rosemary and intercept Elliott as he comes down the hallway. I usher them into the living room…”Play with the blocks, guys…I need to go into the kitchen for a minute”. I figure the further away from the squirrel the better…right?

So I head back to the family room. Quietly go over to the sliding door and pull off the plastic weather-proofing sheet. Open the door. Open the screen. Open the storm door. Okay, now Mr. Squirrel has an escape route. Good plan, Steve!

Time to get a broom and shoo him out of the house. Shoo him with the broom, he rockets right past the open door and into Elliott’s book case, where he promptly tried to hide behind a book. So plan B…shoo the critter the other way. Whack the bookcase with the broom, squirrel is on the move. But you guessed it…right past the open door (I guess he had long since decided to give up on the door), through the kitchen, into the dining room. I dash down the hall to intercept him before he gets to the kids. I turn the corner to watch him sail past the two rugrats…who had apparently heard his little claws on the hardwood and had turned to look. As the squirrel streaked past, Rosemary reached out to touch it (I am sure it looked like any other stuffed animal), and Elliott looked at me. His eyes got wide like dinner plates…and if you’ve never seen a 2-yr-old do a standing high jump to get on a couch, it is a sight to behold.





“MOUSE DADDY! MOUSE!”
Grab the baby.
“No Elliott, it’s a squirrel”.
“What’s he doing?”
“He’s hiding.”
At this point the squirrel was behind the book case in the living room. Elliott was standing on the couch, peering over the arm to see where the squirrel went.

Somehow Elliott had managed to bend the space-time continuum during his record jump to the couch and had acquired a pacifier. He was pretty freaked out. I figured, even though pacifiers are normally only for sleeping, that special circumstances took precedence.

By this point the squirrel was apparently under the bookcase, as I could see fur poking out from underneath it. The squirrel of course, was making some odd noise between a chirp and a squeal…if you’ve never heard a mad squirrel, it is entertaining. Of course, Elliott started mimicking the squirrel. Rosemary quickly took up the call. Soon I was overwhelmed by chirps/squeals. Cue laugh track.

Elliott: “What’s the squirrel saying, Daddy?”
“I don’t know, Elliott”.
“He’s sad”
“You think he’s sad? Why is he sad?”
“He misses his mommy”

This was one of the more entertaining exchanges during all of this.

I called Alina at work since I could not find our neighbor’s phone number anywhere. She called our neighbor who shortly came down with her daughter. Our neighbor was nice enough to take all 3 kids upstairs to let me battle the squirrel infestation. I owe her one.

So the squirrel had managed to get stuck under the bookcase. This project now required pulling everything off the bookcase and moving it. There’s some good news. So I tipped the bookcase over. Now at this point keep in mind that not only is the back sliding door wide open, so is the front door. I figure this guy will make a break for it pretty soon.

As soon as I tip over the bookcase he bolts. I chase him through the dining room and around the corner to through the kitchen. Keep in mind he moves a lot faster than I do. He bailed down the hallway and, I assumed, out the door. Sweep the house. No sign of squirrel. Clear the floor room by room, under each piece of furniture. No squirrel.




Great! Problem solved. Jessica goes home. I feed the kids dinner. Alina gets home and Elliott relates the story of the scary squirrel. We head upstairs to start bedtime. Alina walks into the master bedroom…there is a lamp knocked over and a painting askew. The squirrel is still here!

I sequester Alina and the kids and go on the hunt. Finally track him to the master bath. He has holed up under the sink…he somehow got in there, and there is a drawer open. Push on the drawer, he chirp/squeals and pushes the drawer open again. It would be funny on TV…not so funny in my bathroom.

I secure the bathroom door. I figure trap him in a confined space, right? Of course, Animal Control has gone home for the night, so I am stuck with private companies. Only one answers the phone…will be an hour before they arrive. So we hang out…kids stay up WAY past bedtime. Trapper took about 10 minutes to capture the squirrel, and finally got the kids to bed around 930PM.

Long story short, folks…keep your doors closed.